Many shy people feel that they cannot decrease their social anxiety. They see it as unalterable fate. They berate themselves for not being able to do things that appear to come easily to others and assume they will be judged if they are perceived as shy or awkward.
When you get invited to a party or co-workers ask you to join them for lunch, do you have an immediate physical reaction? Is your first thought, “How do I get out of this?” You fear that if you do accept the invitation, people will see that you are blushing or sweating. Maybe your heart is racing in such a way that you can’t even focus on the conversation, so you stand there silently nodding, hoping that no one will notice that you’re not participating.
A one-on-one conversation feels even riskier. You are fairly certain that you won’t know what to say and any conversation will inevitably run out of steam. Bombarded by these thoughts and sensations, you make an excuses and turn down invitations. You choose to eat lunch on your own, convinced that the loneliness is preferable to the humiliation of the awkward encounter that would surely occur if you decided to attend. Avoidance is your norm, and often after you’ve declined the invitation, you feel relief wash over you. Your body even relaxes. Now you can eat by yourself in peace or enjoy another solo evening watching Netflix.
But when you think of your co-workers hanging out over lunch or watch people enjoying each other’s company on your walk home from the subway, that feeling of relief turns into self-loathing. You are imprisoned by your social anxiety, and it’s painful.
Is this your pattern?
I’m guessing that this isn’t what you want for yourself, and that’s why you’re reading this…..Unfortunately, one of the best ways to insure that your social anxiety will continue to hold you hostage is to give in to avoidance.
Did I nail this description because I’ve been a therapist for 15+ years? Yes and no. Before I was a therapist, I was a person who struggled with these thoughts and feelings during my college years. I remember them well even though they no longer have control over my day-to-day actions. This is why I love to do this work.
Social anxiety does not have to rule your life. I’ve walked this walk many times. Your life can get bigger.
It won’t be easy, but it also won’t be excruciating. We will address the thoughts and behaviors that perpetuate your social anxiety at a pace that works for you. I’d love to be the one to help you make progress.
Zalisa Rabin, LCSW-R provides psychotherapy for social anxiety in-person in New York City and via telehealth throughout NY state.